I have another blog on WordPress, but I realized that I was writing about caregiving and leadership when those two topics need to be separated for me to truly address them the way I want to. One of my caregiving posts was called The Elephant in the Caregiving Room. It was the breakthrough post that allowed me to voice my opinion, based on experience, about all of the things people do not want to discuss as caregivers. The phrase became quite popular with my friends and family as well as a few people who responded to my blog, and I realized this is what I need to write about because it is important. Caregivers hold back so much, and they should have a way to express themselves. I now plan to work on a book for this subject, but I will be tackling aspects of this topic on this blog as well. Here is the post that I wrote that started it all:
This post is going to be incredibly personal as I discuss something about caregiving that is often left out of the equation. The fact is, people tend to portray the heroism in caregiving or the toll it takes on caregivers. Yet, there is a conflict that arises and is never discussed, at least not that I have seen. We all know caregivers lose a piece of their life, they give a lot of time to care for loved ones, and they lose privacy, but there is something that is lost that goes much deeper than an afternoon out.
My parents have cared for my grandparents for 13 years. After my grandma passed last year, they continued to care for my grandpa. Recently, they took my Aunt Mona, who is dying from cancer, in. They have sacrificed all privacy. My mom has been a caregiver full-time instead of working, and now that my father is unemployed, he has been a caregiver full-time as well. They spend their life organizing medications, doctor appointments, wheelchairs, nurse aids, oxygen tanks, bathing, feeding proper foods, and any other aspect that fills the corners of each day. This is something people tend to associate with caregivers, but unless you are the caregiver, or you truly see what these people do, you cannot possibly understand the effects that go beyond this.
I have lost a huge part of my parents, and they have lost themselves, and their relationship. I used to be able to call my mom and go to lunch with her when I had a day off and my son was in school. We could go shopping, have mother daughter time. I could hang out with them and watch movies. We could meet for dinners. They used to be able to go to dinner or a movie as a couple when they wanted. They could schedule a vacation. Instead, they have learned to love as partners in caregiving, not partners in the typical, marital sense of the word. They do not have the same relationship because the caregiving has become their world. As I approach graduation, I had to worry about the fact that I only have 6 tickets for family, and they do not have anyone to watch grandpa and Aunt Mona. They do not feel like the extended family will take the vacation time to help. There are a few siblings that could not because they are not able to financially, but even those who could, would consider this a burden and would most likely not make this work.
The problem is, I feel guilty because I do not want my grandpa or Aunt Mona there. I know that if they are there, my parents will be distracted. My grandpa has Alzheimer’s and when he is away from home, he gets anxious. If he gets anxious, my dad will be worried about getting him home, and my mom will feel like she is rushed to leave. The whole time will be spent worrying about them, and I want it to be a day that I can get the degrees I worked 6 years for with my parents who should be able to enjoy watching their daughter achieve something. I feel like I should not feel this way because my parents can’t help it, but then I feel like I should be able to feel angry because my parents should have a more supportive family network. This makes me angry. Then, I feel conflicted. If I feel this way, I can’t imagine how conflicted my parents feel.
When I see my cousin post pictures of her taking her parents on a train ride through the mountains and enjoying a small vacation with them, or pictures of happy, stress free dinners, I get angry. These people get to live their life, and they do not have any realization that my parents do not get this vacation, and I can’t invite them on a small vacation. We do not get stress free dinners together, and we do not get to have anything remotely like they do. Their lives are full of freedom while my parents are restricted by this role of caregiving.
Now, I do not want people to think I devalue caregiving. If anything, this makes me respect caregivers even more. What I want to do is make people understand the extensive effects of caregiving, Relationships suffer, freedom is lost, and feelings become turbulent. Feelings of duty and expectation mix with anger and guilt. Caregivers, and their close family members who are actually involved, tend to live with guilt when they feel upset or angry over the abandonment of the rest of the family, and the overwhelming nature of caregiving. Why should someone who gives of themselves daily because they care for another human being feel like they cannot share their feelings? Why should they feel as though they need to keep plugging along without days of grief? Why can they not be allowed to express frustration without feeling guilty? It is because society expects them to be troopers. We expect them to give of themselves without a reprieve and to be thankful because they are impacting another life. Yes, caregivers may be thankful for the time they spend with their loved ones and knowing they are getting the right care, but they are also overwhelmed, exhausted, and they deserve to express their emotions without judgement.
These feelings are normal. It is a lifestyle change that seriously affects every aspect of a caregiver’s life, and they have the right to be overwhelmed, and they should not have to feel shame or guilt when they feel this way. It is also normal to feel jealousy, anger, and resentment against the rest of the family as they move on with their lives, leaving the caregivers behind in the haze. This is what people need to discuss because otherwise, more families become divided, and more caregivers will carry unnecessary guilt. It also needs to bring light to the inequality in families when it comes to caregiving because so many are left without a family network to rely on, and this breeds feelings of extreme anger and resentment. I can honestly say that I am still working through this as I deal with anger towards the rest of our family. I see people who get to live their life, and I desperately want more natural time with my parents. This is the elephant in the caregiving room. This is what is no one want to talk about, but it is there, causing tension and pain in caregiver homes everywhere. This issue needs to be faced head on, and dealt with because caregiving is becoming more prevalent in our society, and the baby boomers are aging. It is time to make a change instead of avoiding the issue, and the first step is to recognize this problem.